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The Reason

I was twenty-five years old and had a wedding date set for the summer of 2018. The rest of my life had been planned out and I was ready to embrace it, even though I no longer knew who I was or what I truly wanted. Someone else was going to decide that for me and I was ready to let it happen. For five and a half years, I begged to be loved the way I craved so badly. I changed who I was to “belong” with the people who, in all reality, were never going to except me. I allowed someone to keep me hidden from their real life like a bad habit for far too long. Looking back, on what seems like another life and an entirely different person, I can understand why I let this self sabotage go on for so long. It was due to a sick combination of “daddy issues”, fear of abandonment and extremely low self esteem. I needed to be told I was loved by someone because I hated myself. If they weren’t going to volunteer that affection, I was going to cry and manipulate them, until I got it.

It wasn’t until there was finally a ring on my finger (the exact ring that had already been posted on my Pinterest board for three years) that I came to the realization, I need to be standing up for what I want. It was time to start getting real with myself, and the person I loved, about what I expected it our soon to be married lives. Unfortunately, too little too late. I already had the reputation of a pushover in our relationship, as did I in several other relationships.

Months before the wedding -the one that we kept holding off on planning- we finally stopped pretending that we wanted the same things. After five and a half years of argument, negotiation, sacrifice, put downs, yelling matches, blame, codependency, make up sex and waking up the next day pretending it didn’t happen, we got down to the ugly truth. It was one whole month of causally talking about breaking up. When we finally agreed it was over, I took off my beautiful rose gold diamond engagement ring, we went to dinner as happy as ever, came home (to the brand new apartment we had just signed a year lease on) and spent the night laying on our new Ikea couch, staring into each others’ eyes for hours. There were so many emotions seen in the reflection of his eyes; fear, heartbreak, sadness and at the same time, I was flooded with relief and contentment. We finally agreed on something. We were tired of fighting. We had spent the better half of our early twenties breaking one another. It felt as though we would spend the rest of them learning how to live without each other.

This blog is my beautiful ugly truth. It is all of the things I have learned since breaking off my engagement. In all of its uncensored, comical, embarrassing rawness. It is me finding my voice, and understanding when I should and shouldn’t yell it from the rooftops. Learning that my past doesn’t define me, but has helped shape me. If you’re reading through my words and laughing, crying, relating or even cringing, than I’ve accomplished what I’ve intended. If you get to the end of one of my blog posts and it is an eye opening moment for you, I will be even more thrilled. I want this to be a place where, in today’s instaworld of perfection, we are anything but that. We are real, strong, not afraid to stand up for what we need, never going to lie about how we’re feeling and never going to apologize for it.

The feeling is not mutual and that’s okay!

Being in my mid twenties and starting all over in the dating scene, I saw just how flawed the system was right off the bat. You meet someone while you’re out. They drool over your looks and even get down on one knee to pretend to propose (yes this has happened on more than one occasion). You exchange phone numbers, text a little for a couple of days and make a plan to meet up. The day comes and they are suddenly disconnected from their phones as if stranded on a deserted island without cell service- yea right. Listen and listen carefully, I have let go of so much more than you can even begin to fathom. You telling me that you’re not interested, will not only clear up any questions I may have, it will also make me respect you one hundred times more.

If I had a penny for every time a guy told me the truth about how he feels towards me, I’d have just enough change to put my two cents in. And here it is: there is nothing and I repeat nothing bad about not feeling a spark with someone you went on a date with or someone you have been seeing. What IS wrong, is pretending that you’re just as into it as they are. Sure, you just might be the type who falls hard and then gets freaked out when the other person has caught up to you. Just be honest about it. This blog is called the Beautiful Ugly Truth for a reason. It might sound harsh to have to let someone down and tell them that they’re not the one, but what’s even harsher is that person being completely in the dark about your real feelings. No one wants a relationship that has been forced or a significant other who has manipulated themselves into looking like your perfect match. Be an adult and tell that person the truth….you’re not into it anymore. I can guarantee, just like I have, that person has let go of someone or something in their past that has left a much bigger impression on them than you did with your fancy dinner date and sexy night in together. They will get over you, and I bet a lot quicker than you’d like to admit.

And for those of you were aren’t good at taking the bad news that yet another person has stopped feeling the feels before you have; that person was not the right one for you to begin with. If you have to convince someone that your worthy of their time, energy and thoughts, they, themselves, aren’t worth spending much more of your time on. And once again, that’s okay! Stop taking offense when the spark isn’t there. There is a much better match out there for you and one day they will waltz into your life and it will be clear, very early on, that this is not just one of those “he told me I’m beautiful and now he wants to take me to Hawaii for a bachelor-esk romantic getaway where we’ll fall in love” moments and then next thing you know, your flight is being canceled and you have to waste your expensive tan on a trip to see the grandparents because you already had the time off from work. I know, this sounds super specific, but it’s actually a totally made up scenario that definitely did not happen to me ever….

What it comes down to, in that situation, is my feelings might have been hurt for a little bit, if they told me the truth about why our little fantasy vacation was canceled, but more than anything (and I dead ass mean this) I would have been extremely grateful towards him for having the balls to tell me the full truth. And guess what, I would have gotten over it without question. Ohh believe me, I’m over it, but the question of why may still linger for a bit.

This little blog post has been on my heart for some time now. Maybe it’s because I am a bad lier, or because, as mom likes to say, I’m cold hearted since I’m the only one in the family who will say it how it is. Whatever the case, don’t be a lying lier who lies about their feelings. Do the person who you fell for quicker than you meant to and then changed your mind about, more times than you change your undies, a favor and be honest. You will feel better and they will survive and walk away with a clear view of why things didn’t work out this time.